This article is about one of the most important mind sets there is - self esteem. This is yet another of those aspects of life we should have been taught more about at school. Poor self-esteem or low self-confidence is one of the biggest obstacles there is to achieving all your goals.
Carol Green, a good looking and apparently confident young woman, recently appeared on the Channel 5 Doctor Doctor program. Her problem, surprisingly, was poor self-esteem or low self-confidence.
Low self-esteem was preventing her from engaging with life. Dr Mark Porter and Dr Linda Popadopolous offered her solutions which could well help not only her but anyone else who lacks self-esteem.
Dr Mark told Carol Green that she seemed quite confident to him and was sitting there on TV in front of a huge audience.
Carol replied: "I appear confident but I am like a little hermit. I don't actually leave the house."
Dr Linda told her that her solution was part of the problem
"The more we avoid going out the worse the problem gets. We refuse to challenge the idea that it is not ok to go out. Your security blanket is holding you back."
Carol explained why she was house bound: "I don't leave the house because I don't think I look good enough."
Dr Linda replied quickly: "There is really no such thing as good enough. There are always some people who like us and some who don't. People with low esteem are constantly and needlessly worried about what other people think about them."
Carol was teased by her four elder brothers and took it personally even though she realised that they teased each other as well. She was bullied for most of her school life by having spit wads thrown at her and chairs pulled from under her. The result of all this: "I always felt I was lower than other people."
If you are bullied at school you can easily think you are not as good as other people and you tend to remember all the negative experiences and forget the positive. Even praise cannot overcome the negative memories.
Carol feels like a fraud when she is praised:
"When people praise me, I think people don't really know me. They haven't seen me when I have been shouting at my children."
People with low self-esteem don't accept that we can't be perfect in everything we do and they cannot accept that there are some things they are good at.
They are also tentative about entering conversations because they feel they are not worthy of having their opinions heard even if they know more than most about a subject.
Dr Linda Popadopolous from Canada gave out several suggestions for Carol and anyone who felt like her about how to overcome low self-esteem.
1. We need to be aware that no one is perfect. We are not alone in having imperfections. Perfection does not exist.
2. We need to recognise what we are good at. Carol was a good parent.
3. The best way to boost our confidence is to take risks. You can't build confidence by doing the same thing over and over again.
4. Don't compete with others. Women sometimes feel they are in competition with other women about how they look and about how much attention they are getting. Aspire to your own goals and not those of others. Seek to be the best that you can be.
5. Build your pride. Pat yourself on the back. In the UK people don't like self-praise because they confuse it with arrogance. Arrogance is an unfounded sense of self-esteem. Self-praise which is deserved is different and acceptable.
6. Don't rely on the approval of others but learn to take compliments.
7. Engage in some activity you think is difficult and that you can't do like rock climbing and when you succeed, celebrate it.
8. Do something you really love to do. Set goals that you are excited about.
9. Don't put things off till tomorrow.
10. Do things that give you a sense of mastery or pleasure. Self-esteem is about feeling you can control your life.
One viewer with low self-esteem asked:
"How do you avoid passing on your lack of confidence to your children?"
Dr Mark remembered how the older generations used to give negative feedback. Our parents and grandparents would spend more time telling us we were bad or stupid rather than praising us.
I heard an example of this from Billy Connolly recently. Billy's dad used to call him "You big Jesse" all the time. This did not mean that Billy was gay but that he was less than macho and could not play football very well: "Big Jesse, look at him." I've left out his dad's swear words.
Fortunately, Billy did not become repressed as a result of this. Years later, when he was very successful, he was in Hawaii at a restaurant called Jesse's. His wife took a photo of him in the car park which said 'Parking for Jesse's only'. He sent the photo to his father.
Dr Linda suggested: "If your child brings you the picture they have just painted, give specific positive reinforcement about what's good or bad in the picture but also set boundaries. Teach them to say please or thank you and to go to bed on time. Show them that you love them enough to give them boundaries. Boundaries are very important for a child's sense of self-esteem.
Another viewer, Sarah from Nottingham, was doing really well by losing weight and going out but her estranged partner rang her up and told her she was a lonely old woman without friends and that no one liked her. She immediately lapsed back into depression and low self-esteem.
Dr Linda told her not to seek the approval of others. Self-esteem comes from within and not from other people. "Your ex-partner has more problems than you."
Three key lessons strike me as especially important.
Don't seek the approval of others for your goals or you will end up achieving theirs instead of your own. Don't expect everyone to like you. Some will and some won't. Don't waste time worrying about what other people think about you. Some will like you and some won't and some may change their minds later!
Challenge yourself by trying to achieve goals which you think you can't do.
Be willing to risk failure. Achieving any worthwhile goal involves some risk and we will never know how great it feels to achieve a goal unless we take those risks. You may not, of course, achieve your goal but then you may achieve it and life could start to get exciting.
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